Order of the Phoenix Movie Parody
by julvett
Summary: Because the movies just aren't the same as the books. Please- no one read this. I'm not deleting it because of the kind reviews, but don't waste your time reading it, it isn't amusing.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a parody of the Order of the Phoenix movie which I narrate with my cousin. I'm Jules, and she's Kerry. I hope you enjoy it! (There a lot of references to other movies and shows, so just ignore them, haha.) Sorry if there's spelling errors. :0**

The movie opens. Dark clouds roll in. Cue Harry Potter theme song. Jules and Kerry sit down in front of the TV.

JULES: I'm so excited.

KERRY: Yeah, Order of the Phoenix. Should be good.

JULES: Do you want to know _why_ I'm so excited?

KERRY: No.

JULES: Because the _Marauders_ are in this movie! _James and Lily_ are in this movie!

KERRY: Yes, I am familiar with the story.

JULES: They are so awesome!

KERRY: Okay.

JULES: OMG, I'm so excited….

KERRY: Let's just watch the movie.

All of the sudden, it's sunny and all the dark clouds are magically gone. A bird's eye view of Little Whinging in shown. Harry is walking alone down some path.

VOICE: I don't know about you, but It's just too hot today isn't it, and it's going to get even worse, temperatures up in the mid 30's Celsius… blah…blah…blah….

HARRY: God? Is that you?

VOICE: That's the mid 90's Fahrenheit tomorrow, maybe even hitting 100, so cover up and stay cool…

Harry goes over to a swing and starts watching some people.

RANDOM MOM: Time to go home. C'mon, off yew get.

RANDOM SON THAT IS WAY TO OLD TO BE PLAYING WITH HIS MOM AT THE PLAYGROUND: Do we have to? (sniff)

MOM: Yes, sweetie darling honey. But when we get home, I'll make you your favorite dinner.

SON: Wow, I am so grateful to have such an awesome mum, not like that boy other there! (points obviously at Harry)

HARRY: Everyone feel sorry for me! Now!

JULES: Aw, you know who Harry's thinking about now? His parents. You know who his parents are? James and Lily. Did I mention how much I love them? And they're IN this movie too.

KERRY: Shut up, we're missing stuff!

JULES: Who cares? Let's just fast-forward to "Snape's Worst Memory"…

KERRY: NO.

There's the sound of deep obnoxious laughter. Dudley and his gang show up.

HARRY: Heard you beat up another 10 year old. 5 against 1, very brave.

DUDLEY: You're one to talk. Crying in your sleep every night, "Don't kill Cedric!" Who's Cedric, your boyfriend?

HARRY: (flushes) Um, no... Cedric is my, uh, owl. Yeah. My other owl, that was killed by these Dark Wizards.

DUDLEY: Oh okay, like they'd really kill your _owl_. Right.

HARRY: Yeah, I guess you're right. They'd never kill my owl, how stupid of me.

DUDLEY: Right. (continues mocking) There going to kill me, Mum! Where's is your mum, Potter? Is she dead? IS SHE DEAD?

MALCOLM: Why is that funny?

PIERS: That's cold, Big D. I mean, his parents are _dead_.

GORDON: Yeah dude, that's totally uncalled for.

JULES: Totally uncalled for.

DUDLEY: LAUGH AT MY JOKES, YOU FOOLS!

GANG: Haha, oh yeah, ooo, haha.

Harry gets off the swing, runs over to Dudley, and points his wand at his neck.

MALCOM: What is that thing?

PIERS: I dunno.

GORDON: Let's just laugh stupidly!

GANG: Haha, oh yeah, ooo, haha.

Dark clouds come in.

HARRY: (gasp) Run for your lives!

They all run for their lives.

HARRY: Let's run into this dark tunnel!

DUDLEY: Are you sure about this, Potter?

HARRY: Sure! I mean, what could happen? I mean, I'm Harry Pot—

DEMENTOR: I'm a dementor! Raaahr!

HARRY: Crap. But hey, you're not a dementor.

DEMENTOR: Yes I am! Raaahr!

HARRY: Where's your hood?

DEMENTOR: Didn't you hear? It's _hot_ out. This my summer cloak.

HARRY: Oh. Well, it makes you look fat.

DEMENTOR: What! I will hold you up against the wall and suck out your soul!

HARRY: Hah! I poke you in the eye!

DEMENTOR: Ow!

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Harry's patronus goes and attacks the dementors.

HARRY: Aw man, my patronus changed into Jigglypuff. LAME.

Miss Figg walks in the tunnel.

HARRY: Miss Figg!

MISS FIGG: Thank you for the introduction, Harry. Dumbledore sent me to look after you.

HARRY: Well, you're not doing such a hot job.

MISS FIGG: (sniff) It's not my fault! I'm a… Squib!

HARRY: If you can't do magic, why did Dumbledore send you to look after me?

MISS FIGG: Read the books.

HARRY: Pssh, I don't read.

MISS FIGG: Good Lord, boy, they told me you were intelligent!

HARRY: Hahahaha, me? Intelligent? Who told you that?

MISS FIGG: Well, Dumbledore.

HARRY: There's a perfectly good explanation for that…

They walk back to 4 Privet Drive. Harry carries Dudley inside, where Aunt Petunia is sitting on the couch watching the weather.

HARRY: Hay guys, God is on TV!

AUNT PETUNIA: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DIDDYKINS!

UNCLE VERNON: (shaking his spoon at Harry) THIS IS LAST I'M GOING TO TAKE OF YOU AND YOUR NONSENSE!

HARRY: Uncle Vernon, have you lost weight?

UNCLE VERNON: Why- I haven't noticed. Do I look different to you? What about from the side? Maybe…

Cue Howler that's not really supposed to be a Howler.

DAVID YATES: Hey, everyone likes special effects! It makes the scene more dramatic.

HARRY: But it's not even _red_.

DAVID YATES: Out of all the discontinuities in the movie, that's the one you're focusing on? Just wait until you what happens to Cho Chang!

HARRY: Cho Chang? That hot asian chick with the cool accent? Not interested. We Potter men prefer the redhead. So there.

Harry listens to his Howler.

HARRY: Damn, I'm expelled! This sucks more than that time Homer Simpson named his pig after me.

HOMER SIMPSON: You don't like Hairy Plopper?

UNCLE VERNON: Whoa, what is this, Family Guy or something? Let's just take Dudley to the hospital. Peace, Harry. Oh, I guess I'll lock you in your room.

Harry is locked in his room.

HARRY: Crap, I'm locked in! I _could_ use my wand since I'm already expelled… nah. I'll just pound senselessly on the door.

Harry repeatedly bangs his head against the door, yelling "Angst, angst, angst".

HARRY: Hay, what's this picture of my parents doing on the floor?

JAMES AND LILY: Hey, we're like, dancing and stuff.

JULES: ZOMG IT'S JAMES AND LILY! YAY! AW, LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE!

JAMES AND LILY: (hide)

The key in Harry's door slowly starts to turn. Harry grabs his wand.

JULES AND KERRY: Ooooo, the suspense…

Enter OOTP.

HARRY: Professor Moody! What are you doing here?

MOODY: Rescuing you, of course.

HARRY: From what?

MOODY: I… don't know. And I don't think I was ever your Professor either…

They go outside with their brooms.

HARRY: But I thought I was expelled!

KINGSLEY: Dumbledore has persuaded the Ministry to give you a hearing.

HARRY: Hey, do you play basketball?

KINGSLEY: No.

HARRY: Are you a genie?

KINGSLEY: No.

HARRY: Do you ever rap?

KINGSLEY: NO. I'm just a normal wizard.

HARRY: You don't… _look_ like a normal wizard.

KINGSLEY: I'm special classification.

HARRY: (squinting) Did you ever kill anyone?

KINGSLEY: We're getting off the subject.

TONKS: Don't worry Harry, we'll explain everything when we get back to Headquarters.

MOODY: Not here, Nymphadora!

TONKS: If your so concerned about not being noticed, why standing in the middle of a lit street oddly dressed and holding broomsticks ready to take off into the sky?

MOODY: (grumbles)

TONKS: (hair turns red) And don't CALL me Nymphadora!

MOODY: Whoa, at-ti-tude!

HARRY: (freaks out) Omg, why did her hair just turn red?

TONKS: Yeah, even I don't know why it did that.

DAVID YATES: It's dramatic effect, I tell you!

They fly off.

TONKS: Hey, Harry. Harry! Hey, Harry! I double dog dare you to fly as close as you can to that Muggle cruise ship!

HARRY: No, Tonks, someone will see me!

TONKS: Chicken…bawk bawk!

HARRY: I'm not a chicken!

TONKS: Are too!

He flies into the cruise ship.

HARRY: Haha! What now, Tonks!

TONKS: I guess you're not a chicken.

HARRY: That's right!

TONKS: You're pretty stupid though.

HARRY: Well, yeah.

TONKS: Make sure you don't like, act off those rash impulses in the future. You might kill somebody. Like Sirius.

HARRY: Thanks for that, I'll log that away, like I do with all other advice, now, where are we going?

Grimmauld Place.

MOODY: (Pounds stick in to the ground.)

HARRY: No, Gandalf, it's a riddle! "Speak, friend, and enter…"

TONKS: (holds out arms) OPEN SESAME!

The buildings begin to shift.

HARRY: Man, that worked?

They walk inside. The Order fills into the room. Harry can see Lupin and Sirius leaning in towards each other discussing something very intently.

SIRIUS: We can't wait any longer Remus…It's time to take action. We have to act _now_.

He pauses as he sees Harry watching them.

SIRIUS: Harry! This isn't what it looks like!

LUPIN: Tonks, I swear, NOTHING was going on…

TONKS: (cries) I don't believe this, Remus. After all I've done for you… I mean, I turn my hair your favorite color—

LUPIN: Pink, Dora. My favorite color is pink. Not purple.

TONKS: (sob) It's _supposed_ to be pink!

Lupin and Tonks argue for a bit, and Sirius watches gleefully.

Molly Wealsey jumps in front of the doorway.

MOLLY: Harry, thanks heavens you're all right. Now scram!

Harry walks up the stairs.

KREACHER: Blood traitors… filthy mudbloods…

HARRY: Aw, aren't you just precious?

KREACHER: (glares evilly.) Just ignore me. I don't have any purpose being in this movie.

HARRY: Em, okay, if you say so.

Harry walks into Hermione and Ron's room.

RON: Why Harry, you're looking quite emo today.

HERMIONE: (lunges at Harry) Are you all right? You must tell us everything. We heard about the dementor attack. And the hearing at the ministry. It's just outrageous. I looked it up they simply can't expel you. It's completely unfair. I never liked comma usage. Declarative statments are the way to go. If my move my eyebrows up and down when I speak, I think I seem like a better actress.

JULES: Actually, if you just never opened your mouth for the rest of the movie you'd seem like a better actress.

KERRY: (cat noise)

HERMIONE: Shut up. I know Sirius Black and Remus Lupin _personally_. My life is better than yours.

JULES: Oh, it's _on_.

Enter Fredngeorge.

FREDNGEORGE: 'Ello Harry, thought we heard your dulcet tones. Now, if you're all done screaming…

HARRY: I wasn't screaming.

FREDNGEORGE: We're just trying to be cute and comical, okay? Now, if you want to hear something more interesting—

RON: Ugh, do you two ALWAYS have to wear matching clothes?

HERMIONE: Of course they do, Ronald, they're the same person, obviously.

RON: (hanging head) Sorry, it's just that it's not like that in the books…

HERMIONE: Oh, Ronald! You've read a book?

RON: Well, yeah…

HERMIONE: (jumps on top of Ron and kisses him passionately)

HARRY: Er, is this the time?

JK ROWLING: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. I have to drag this romance out for two more books! Stop!

Hermione and Ron reluctantly stop kissing.

They all gather around the top of the stairs. Fredngeorge lower their Extendable Ear.

SIRIUS: If anyone has the right to know, it's Harry. He's not a child!

MOLLY: He's not an adult, either! He's not _James_, Sirius!

JULES: _James!_ He's a Marauder.

KERRY: No way!

CROOKSHANKS: Yum! Floating ears!

EVERYONE: Aw, man.

RON: Hermione I haychore cat.

JULES AND KERRY: Tee hee, Ron is so funny with his incoherent mumblings.

They go downstairs.

SIRIUS: Harry!

HARRY: Sirius!

LUPIN: Remus!

Sirius and Harry hug. Lupin watches jealously…er, um, tenderly?

Dinner time.

LUPIN: Who thinks I should shave this horrible hair-like mustache thing on my upper lip?

TONKS: Actually, I think it looks quite good.

LUPIN: Dammit Tonks, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a werewolf! It won't work out between us! Besides, you're too young.

TONKS: I'm just as mature as you are, Remus! (Pout) Oh well. Hay Ginny, look, I'm a duck!

They eat dinner. Harry asks annoying questions. Kingsley sits there looking cool. Sirius sits there looking old.

HARRY: I don't understand. No one in their right mind could believe-

LUPIN: That's exactly the point, Fudge isn't in his right mind. The last time Voldemort came to power, he almost destroyed everything we hold most dear.

JULES_: Almost_ everything? He killed _James_! And _Lily_! What else was there?

KERRY: Will you shut up? Or else I'll have to get out the frying pan...

JULES: Okay, okay, sheesh...

SIRIUS: Fourteen years ago, he had huge numbers at his command. And not just witches and wizards, but all manner of dark creatures, such as giants and trolls and marshmallow peeps.

HARRY: (squeak)

SIRIUS: And oh yeah, Voldemort wants something more than just followers. He wants…

MOLLY: No! He's just a boy! You are corrupting his innocence, you fiend!

SIRIUS: …something he didn't have last time. Ha! There, I said it!

MOLLY: Damn you.

HARRY: Gee, that was informative. Voldemort wants followers? Would've thought?

Bedtime.

Mr. Weasley and Harry go into London for his hearing. They arrive at an old phone booth.

HARRY: Oh, I get it. We go in here to change out of our Muggle clothes and into Wizard clothes, like in Superman! Cool!

ARTHUR: No, this is just the visitors entrance. Silly Harry, we don't need wizard clothes.

HARRY: Oh.

Arthur: Going down. Weee!!

Ministry O' Magic time. They go to the Department of Mysteries.

HARRY: Hay, what up, Lucius?

LUCUIS: (evil sneer) Don't talk to me. I'm busy trying to work out a way to kill you.

Harry: Ooh, Draco's not going to be happy with you…

LUCIUS: Eh. I'll live. But you won't. MUHAWHAWHAWHAWA!

HARRY: Daaang Lucius, that was _evil_.

LUCIUS: Why thank you, I've been working very hard on it. (Sneers evilly at Arthur) Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

They leave Lucius and go to the courtroom.

**There you have the first chapter. It gets weirder. Please R+R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The continuation of the parody of the Order of the Phoenix movie which I narrate with my cousin. I'm Jules, and she's Kerry. **

So we left of with...

They leave Lucius and go to the courtroom.

ARTHUR: I'm not allowed in, I'm afraid.

HARRY: Um, whatever.

Harry enters the courtroom.

FUDGE: Disciplinary Hearing on the 12th of August, for offences committed by Harry James Potter, interrogators, Cornelius Oswald Fudge—

DUMBLEDORE: WITNESS FOR THE DEFENSE ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC!!!!!!!! Brian. Dumbledore.

FUDGE: Well, you're still not going to win. Ha. Take that.

DUMBLEDORE: I don't think so. You see, I'm Dumbledore.

HARRY: You know, this wouldn't have been a problem if you just let someone like Kingsley look after me in the first place…

DUMBLEDORE: Lalala, I can't hear you!

HARRY: (pouts)

DUMBLEDORE: Charges?

FUDGE: He did knowingly and willing and in full awareness of the illegality of his actions produce a Patronus charm in the presence of a Muggle. Do you deny producing said Patronus?

HARRY: Look, I only did I because of the dementors!

Whispers of shock in the court.

HARRY: Well, duh, everybody! Did you think I was just like, hay all you Muggles! Look at my neat Patronus!

Enter Miss Figg.

AMEILA: Please describe the attack. What did they look like?

MISS FIGG: Well, one was very large-

DEMENTOR: It's the new cloaks, I tell you! They do NOTHING for my figure.

DUMBLEDORE: So as you can see, Harry is clearly innocent. And Voldemort is back to power. Peace out everybody.

FUDGE: (pops a blood vessel) He…is…not…back!

HARRY: So, that was I nice little subplot to show the corruption of the Ministry. Everyone cool on that? Ministry Bad. I'll be off to Hogwarts now…

Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

SIRIUS: Here Harry, before you go, I just wanted to give you this picture of the original Order. (sigh) Fourteen years, and not a day goes by that I don't miss your dear Dad.

JULES: (sniff) Me too.

KERRY: Hey, how come Sirius looks older in the picture than he does now?

JULES: What are you talking about? They both _totally_ look twenty-one.

KERRY: Yeah, twenty-one… hundred!

JULES AND KERRY: HAHAHAHA, _Man_, we are funny.

HARRY: K, time to get on the train. OMG look, it's VOLDEMORT! Look everyone! Get him!

An angry mob swarms around Voldemort with pitchforks and torches.

VOLDEMORT: (smiles uneasily) Hey guys, um, would this be too late for 'I'm sorry'? Because ya know, my teenage years were a bit angsty. I was just misunderstood…

ANGRY MOB: (yell threateningly)

VOLDEMORT: But um… I suffered from unrequited love! Yeah, I was in love with… Lily Evans! She was pretty hot. So if you could please forgive me for all my Dark Arts loving foolishness… (sob)

ANGRY MOB: (softens) Aw, he's so deep and complex…

Harry wakes up on the train.

HARRY: Aw man, it was just a dream. Or was it? Oh well, don't know, don't care. Ron, Hermione, I—wait, aren't you supposed to be with the prefects?

RON: Oh man! I forgot! Oops.

HARRY: How the _hell_ did you become prefect?

RON: What? You're twice as stupid as I am.

HARRY: Oh yeah.

They get off the train.

DRACO: Hay guys, I'm in the movie! Well! Um, I should probably say something… a derogatory comment towards Potter sounds good. Potter! Yo mama's so old, she sat in front of Jesus in first grade!

HARRY: My mum is dead, Malfoy.

DRACO: Oh, right. Well that kind of ruins the joke then, doesn't it? Better think of something else…,um, you better enjoying this freedom while you can! I expect Azkaban has a cell with your name on it.

HARRY: That's… not funny.

DRACO: Yeah, I know. Man, it took me _so long_ to think of that first joke, and it all blows up in my face… anyway, see you around, Potter.

HARRY: No, this is like, your last line in the movie.

DRACO: Dang.

They go over to find a carriage. Cho Chang is on the one that is just leaving. Harry stares at her in a stalker-like fashion as she rides away. For some reason, Ron and Hermione stare as well.

NEVILLE: Hi guys. What are you all staring at?

HARRY: Yeah guys, what gives? Cho is my love interest, why are you staring after her? Hermione, I didn't know you rolled that way.

KERRY: What is this movie rated, anyway?

Harry turns around.

HARRY: Ooh look, scary things pulling the carriage. It's like the Fellowship Nazguls mated with the Two Towers Nazguls or something.

HERMIONE: Nothing's pulling the carriage Harry. Carriages pull themselves, you stupid!

LUNA: You're not going mad. I can see them too. You're just as sane as I am.

HERMIONE: Everyone, this is Loony- um, Luna Lovegood.

Awkward silence.

RON: Hermione, why do you look so constipated?

HERMIONE: This is my embarrassed face, Ron. And I think I know a thing or two about good acting, so just shut your face.

They go into the Great Hall for food. Umbridge gives a speech. The camera flashes to Snape. Boy, if looks could kill…

SNAPE: What I wouldn't give to be a basilisk right now…

Into the common room.

HARRY: No one believes me!

RON: I believe you.

HARRY: Go away!

First DADA class.

UMBRIDGE: Good morning, children.

CHILDREN: (in unison) Good morning, Pofessor Umbridge.

HARRY: Voldemort's back!

UMBRIDGE: DETENTION!

Umbridge's office.

UMBDRIGE: You'll being lines for me, Mr. Potter. Write "I shall not tell lies".

HARRY: You haven't given me any ink.

UMBRIDGE: You were supposed to bring your own, idiot. What do I look like, Staples?

HARRY: Sorry.

UMBRIDGE: In that case, you can just write in your own blood.

HARRY: (starts to write) Hay, cool! How are you doing that? Man, this is awesome… I mean, ow!

Dentention ends.

HERMIONE: Harry, what happened to your hand?

HARRY: (holds out other hand) Nothing.

HERMIONE: Oh, okay. Just checkin'. So, how was detention?

HARRY: It was sick! Check out what Umbridge did to me! (Holds out bloody hand)

RON: Bloody hell, 'Arry. You have to tell someone.

HARRY: Are you kidding? It felt great! I feel so hardcore!

HERMIONE: Feeling the pressure, are we Harry?

RON: Hey, he really is emo.

HARRY: Angst, angst, angst.

HARRY: Time to write a pointless letter! _Dear __Padfoot__, It's starting to get colder here. Winter is definitely on the way. __I'm sure __you __haven't figured out__ what happens to the weather at the end of November._ _Despite being back at Hogwarts, I feel so alone. I know you of all people will understand. __My favorit__e color is green. What's yours?__Love, Harry Potter._ I'm going to take a walk in the woods. Oh, hey Luna.

LUNA: Hello Harry Potter.Like the thresrals? They can only be seen by people who've seen something die.

HARRY: But Hermione can't see them.

LUNA: Oh, has she seen death?

HARRY: Well, she murdered the role of her character with her horrible acting skills, so--

LUNA: By the way, Daddy and I believe you.

HARRY: Thanks. Seems you're about the only ones who do.

RON: What the hell?

HERMIONE: Yeah, what the hell?

DUMBLEDORE, SIRIUS, LUPIN, THE REST OF THE ORDER MEMBERS AND REST OF THE WEASLEYS: Yeah, what the hell?

LUNA: Nargles are real. They took my shoes.

HARRY: Gee, you're really Loony!!!

Breakfast at the Great Hall. Ginny and Hermione sit there looking annoying.

RON: Oh man, FOOD!!! (attacks food)

GINNY: Ron, save some for the rest of us…

RON: LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING!

GINNY: How come everyone in the movie looks 4 billion years older than they did in the first movie, but I still look ten?

HARRY: Ew, I can't believe I'm going to have to kiss you next year. I'm going to feel like a pedophile or something. Oh, and can I join you guys?

HERMIONE: Um… line? Line?

Voices in the hallway.

UMBRIDGE: Excuse me Professor, but what exactly are you insinuating?

MCGONAGALL: I'm merely requesting that when it comes to my students you conform to the prescribed disciplinary practices.

HARRY: NOOOOO don't take away the magical hand cutting quill!!! I mean, at least she doesn't turn you into a ferret, make you answer fanmail, or you know, try to kill you. not going to mention any names, but… (cough) Professor Quirrell (cough)

UMBRIDGE: So silly of me, but it _sounds_ like you're questioning my authority in my own classroom.

RON: Ooh, catfight!

A crowd of students form a circle around McGonagall and Umbridge as they start attacking each other.

MCGONGALL: Stop with your medieval methods, bitch!

UMBRDIGE: Whore!

MCGONAGALL: Slut!

UMBRIDGE: Skank!

Newspaper montage time!

FUDGE: (to the press) Professor Umbridge is going to address the seriously falling standards at Hogwarts—

PERCY: Hay everybody! I'm in the movie!

FUDGE: Quiet, Weasley! You not supposed to get any lines! (He smacks Percy over the head with a frying pan. Percy falls off camera.)

UMBRIDGE: Oh, yeah, I'm in CHARGE! Okay, let's pick on… Snape!

SNAPE: (evil sneer)

LUCIUS: Ooh, nice one, I'd give that a 9.5

SNAPE: Don't even try it, Jason, I _t__a__ught_ you how to sneer like this.

LUCIUS: (cowers)

UMBRIGDE: Now, you first applied for the Defense Against the Darks Arts Post?

SNAPE: Yes.

UMBRIDGE: And you were unsuccessful?

SNAPE: Obvious.

RON: Ly, sir.

SNAPE: What?

RON: Obvious-ly, sir.

SNAPE: I smack you in the head! And 50 points to Slytherin!

RON: Don't you mean 50 points from Gryffindor?

SNAPE: Oh yes, that too.

HERMIONE: Ronald!

UMBRIDGE: Now let's go bug Trelawney.

UMBRIDGE: Can you please… predict something for me?

TRELAW NEY: I'm sorry?

UMBRIDGE: No? Pity…

TRELAWNEY: You…you are in very grave danger! You are going to get viciously mauled by a herd of rampaging centaurs!

UMBRIDGE: Yeah right. I'm sacking your ass.

HARRY: Aw, I feel bad.

RON: Well, she could've at least made her prediction believable…

Back in the Common Room.

HERMIONE: Foul, evil, gargoyle!

RON: (sniff) What the hell, Hermione?

HERMIONE: I was talking about _Umbridge_, Ronald.

RON: Oh.

HERMIONE: We're not learning how to defend ourselves, we're not learning how to pass our OWLs, we're not leaning how to become better actors… she's taking over the entire school!

FUDGE: (on the radio) …Security is the Ministry's top priority. We convincing evidence that these disappearances are the work of notorious mass murderer, Sirius Black.

SIRIUS: (in fireplace) Harry!

HARRY: Hay, what a coinky-dink! What are you doing here?

SIRIUS: Answering your letter, duh. So, you said you were worried about Umbridge?

HARRY: Actually, I don't remember writing…

SIRIUS: You guys should form an army and take the Ministry down.

HARRY: Yeah! Let's go smoke 'em out, guys!

SIRIUS: But you also should know that Fudge is going to throw anyone plotting against him in Azkaban. So you know, keep it on the down low.

HARRY: But how do we do that?

Small noise.

SIRIUS: Uh, um, someone's coming!

RON: (looks around) No one's coming.

SIRIUS: I must go! You're on your own!

HARRY: But wait, I still have—

Sirius disappears.

Sirius momentaityll reappears.

SIRIUS: Oh by the way, Harry, my favorite color is black. Know why? I'll give you a hint. It's has to do with my last name…

HARRY: Uh, Sirius? You said someone's coming…?

SIRIUS: Oh right. (disappears.)

RON: What the deuce was Sirius talking about? NO ONE'S COMING.

KERRY: Grr, I hate movie Sirius. (sigh) In the books he's all cool and courageous and brave and dreamy and shirtless.

JULES: When is Sirius shirtless in the books?

KERRY: Read between the lines, Jules. God, you need to work on your Harry Potter trivia.

JULES: God, I'm such a fool with HP trivia! I still haven't even figured out the significance of October 31st.

KERRY: What?

JULES: You know, it just so happens that October 31st, the night Lily and James were killed, was the same night they, uh, Harry was conceived. Oh yeah, and it's also Halloween. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???

KERRY: Yeah, we should take a break.


	3. Chapter 3

JULES: So we're back from our short little break. Time to hear more of Order of the Phoenix movie from the world's greatest narrator, me.

KERRY: Hey, you said something that was funny for once.

JULES: Shut up.

The trio enters the Hog's Head.

HERMIONE: (looks around) So… hi! Who wants to learn some Defense Against the Dark Arts!

ZACHARIAS SMITH: Why?

RON: Cuz You-Know Who's back, you toss pot.

DAVID YATES: No, no, that's not colloquial enough. Try again.

RON: Blimey, you bloody wanker, have you gone barmy? You-Know-Who's back, so if you don't belt up I've got a good mind to box your ears, hear?

DAVID YATES: Better.

HERMIONE: Harry can teach us, his skillage in DADA pwns.

HARRY: No really, I suck, I just had loads of help.

HERMIONE: Well, I wish you could've told me that before I set up this whole freakin' meeting telling everybody you'd teach us!

LUNA: Is it true you can produce a Patronus Charm?

HERMIONE: Yes. I've seen it.

HARRY: I believe she was talking to ME, Hermione, thank you, and Luna, how did you know that?

LUNA: I stalk you, Harry Potter.

DEAN THOMAS AKA LEE JORDAN: Blimey Harry, I didn't know you could do that.

NEVILLE: And he killed as basilisk with a sword in Dumbledore's office!

GINNY: And he saved my life by giving me the kiss of true love after he killed the basilisk!

RON: Third year he fought off a hundred dementors at once.

HERMIONE: And he really did fight Voldemort last year.

HARRY: WTF guys, none of you where there for any of that! Shut up, Ginny, you were unconscious. Seriously, you all need a hobby other than stalking me. I guess I'll teach you guys.

HERMIONE: Good. Because if we have any chance of defeating…. Voldemort—

RON: Hermione, are you sure you're not constipated?

HERMIONE: This is my _determined_ face, you idiot. Don't you know good acting when you see it?

RON: Sorry, geez.

(They leave Hog's Head)

HARRY: K, so we need a place where Umbridge won't find us.

GINNY: The Shrieking Shack?

HARRY: Aw, stupid little Ginny.(pats her on the head) You're supposed to think that place is haunted.

GINNY: This is why I never liked talking in front of you! (runs away sobbing)

RON: Wouldn't it have made sense to decide on a meeting place while we were with everyone else and far away from Umbridge? Wasn't that the point of going to the Hog's Head in the first place?

HERMIONE: Quiet, Ronald, I'm the brains of this operation. Okay, now that we're closer to the castle, let's talk really loud about our plan!

UMBRIDGE: Haha, I can hear them! Filch, come here!

FILCH: How's it going, Umbridge darling?

UMBRIDGE: Hush, you imbecile. I have a job for you. (Whisper whisper whisper)

Neville is walking alone in the hallway. Crabbe and Goyle obnoxiously run over him.

CRABBE: Watch where you're going, Longbottom.

NEVILLE: I'm such a nobody. Boy, it'd be really nice if I could find a way to be appreciated among my peers right now…

DOBBY: Hello, good sir! Everything all right?

NEVILLE: What are you?

DOBBY: I'm a Dobby! Dobby can make you feel better! Here, let me show you this awesome room. It will give you whatever you want!

NEVILLE: Get out of town!

DOBBY: Dobby does not lie, sir! All you have to do is repeat your wish in your head and walk past the room three times.

NEVILLE: Neat! Thanks, little dude! Now I'm going to have to stun you.

DOBBY: Wha…

NEVILLE: Stupefy!

DOBBY: (collapses on the floor)

NEVILLE: Now, to get rid of the body! (Hides Dobby in a nearby broom cupboard. Now I must tell Harry Potter! (runs away laughing maniacally)

Later.

HARRY: What's going' on, Neville?

NEVILLE: I found a place for us to practice!

RON: Blimey Neville, how did you find out about this place?

HARRY: He's a genius, I tell you.

NEVILLE: (blushes and shuffles his feet) Nah…

EVERYONE: Yay, go Neville!

HERMIONE: You've done it Neville! You've found the Room of Requirement! And it's also known as the Come-And-Go room. It only appears when a person has real need of it. And it's always equipped for the seeker's needs.

RON: How do you _know_ this stuff?

HERMIONE: (smiles smugly) I'm just smart.

HARRY: If you're so smart, why didn't you suggest this place before?

HERMIONE: I forgot my lines earlier.

HARRY: Who the hell cast this girl?

HERMIONE: I want to be an _actress_, not a _celebrity_.

HARRY: Shu' up, Hermione.

First meeting in the Room of Requirement.

NEVILLE: Expelliarmus! (sigh) I'm hopeless. Come on, everyone feel sorry for me again.

HARRY: You're just flourishing your wand wrong—here, try it like this. Spin around, stop. Double-take three times: One, two, three. Then--pelvic thrust! Whoooo! Whoooo! Stop on your right foot, don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town, bring it around town!

NEVILLE: Thanks, Harry, you're the best!

HARRY: Nigel, I am calling you out!

NIGEL: Sure, pick on the littlest kid here.

FREDNGEROGE: Who are you anyway?

Nigel blasts himself and Harry backwards.

EVERYONE: Yay, go Nigel!

NIGEL: … this only goes to show what Little People can do. And Little People know, when Little People fight. We might look easy pickings but we've got some bite…

JULES: This is good! Now kids can relate to the movie, even though most of the cast is older!

HERMIONE: I challenge you, Ronald.

RON: Why do you always call me Ronald? You NEVER call me Ronald in the books.

HERMIONE: It's called improvisation, a very advanced acting technique, which I know all about of course—

KERRY: Jules, if you are going to keep narrating, you're not allowed to say one more word about Emma Watson's acting.

JULES: I'm just trying to make it more interesting! I'm mean, it's getting SO boring—they haven't mentioned Harry's parents in ages…

KERRY: You are pathetic.

RON: I'll go easy on you, Hermione.

FREDNGEROGE: One sickle.

KERRY: Time for a little girl power.

JULES: This is good! Now girls can relate to the movie even though the lead character is male!

HERMIONE: STUPEFY!

RON: Damn, Hermione, what did you do that for? I said I was going easy on you!

FREDGEORGE: Pay up. Hey, _I_ bet on Hermione! Liar! C'mon, do you honestly think I'd bet on Ron?

HARRY: Can you guys stop talking at the same person? You're DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

FREDNGEORGE: We would, but we don't even know who we are. We've never actually been introduced as one or the other.

RON: By the way, I'd just like to comment on how bloody brilliant it is that we're blasting each other backward behind a blazing fireplace—

HARRY: Shu' up Ron.

More montage. More sneaking around Filch. More DA practice.

_Expelliarmus_

_Reducto_

_Stupefy!_

_Pikafire_

HARRY: (grabs Cho's hand) A little higher, Cho.

CHO: Thanks, Harry. (giggle) I didn't know which direction was up. Look at our romance blossoming and such.

Filch finds a box of chocolates waiting for him at the entrance to the Room of Requirement.

FILCH: Dolores darling, you shouldn't have. (Devours chocolate)

UMBRDIGE: Filch, your face! Your beautiful face! Your beautiful gorgeous face! Grr, I'm going to the start Inquisitorial Squad!

DRACO: Hay, I'm in this part!

UMBRIDGE: Silence Draco, you don't get lines!

DRACO: Heh. Just you wait until HPB, bitch.

UMBRIDGE: Oh, you mean when Potter makes it look like you got sliced up by a human blender? Looking forward to it. God. Filch, we are NOT having kids.

DRACO: (throws up)

Room of Requirement again.

HARRY: Everybody, just believe in yourself! Except not you, Michael Corner. Not you. In fact, I'm just going to skip you on my waltz around the room to correct everyone's wand heights…

EVERYONE: We believe in ourselves!

HARRY: Okay, everyone's making excellent progress. We'll meet again after the Christmas break, so keep practicing. Later…

Everyone starts to leave except Cho. Harry stares at her very stalker-like. Again.

RON: Oooh, you _like_ her…

HARRY: Shut up, mate! Get out of here!

GINNY: Hi, Harry, I just wanted to tell—

HARRY: Bug off, twerp.

GINNY: (runs away sobbing)

HARRY: Hey Cho, what up? Are you all right?

CHO: I'm okay, I suppose it's worth it. (Looks at Cedric picture on mirror) I was just thinking about Cedric… I loved him so much. I mean, he was so hot and smart and strong and dreamy…

HARRY: ………….

CHO: Do you know that is the sunlight, he sparkles? And he can read minds too. Except not mine, because I'm like his soul mate or something. And whenever I remember the number of vampires he's saved me from…

HARRY: Um, yeah. I guess I'll just go…

CHO: Wait! Harry, you're a really good teacher. I've… never been able to stun anything before.

HARRY: Is that innuendo?

CHO: Look mistletoe! Let's just make out.

HARRY: Sure.

They start making out.

CEDRIC: Oh c'mon Cho, I'm right here!

CHO: (blushes) Cedric! Honey, I didn't—I didn't know you could see us…

CEDRIC: Damn Cho, what's it been, like four months?

CHO: How can you talk?

CEDRIC: Um, all the pictures talk, remember? The Headmasters, the Fat Lady, Sir Cadogan…

CHO: But isn't there a difference with photographs and portraits?

CEDRIC: This is a _movie_, remember?

HARRY: Hey, why can't someone just make a portrait of my parents? Then I could actually talk to them! Oh, the questions I'd have for my dear parents…

CHO: Shut up, Harry. Leave me alone with Ceddy's picture for a while. Then ask me out in a few more weeks.

Back in the Common Room.

RON: Well, how was it?

HARRY: Wet.

RON: Ew.

HARRY: No, it was amazing; you should try it sometime.

RON: Piss off.

HARRY: Actually, it was wet because she was crying.

RON: That bad, are you?

HERMIONE: I'm sure Harry's kissing was more than satisfactory.

RON: And how would you know that, missy?

HARRY: Well Ron, remember that time when we were looking for the Sorcerer's Stone, and you got left behind, and me and Hermione were alone, and we didn't know if I was going to make it out alive…

HERMIONE: Ahem! Harry, we don't need to go into details.

RON: Wha--?

HERMIONE: Cho spends half her time crying these days anyway. Now I'm going to ramble on about nothing for a bit…

RON: Nobody could feel all that at once, they'd explode.

HERMIONE: Oh Ron, just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. (laughs furiously.)

RON: What?

HARRY: Well, someone thinks they're funny.

RON: You know, that actually might've been funny if you didn't say that looking constipated.

HERMIONE: Dammit Ronald! Do you or do you not know what good acting looks like?

KERRY: HOLY CRAP, LET IT GO! (swings metal frying pan)

JULES: (ducks)

HARRY: Let's all go to bed.

In the middle of the night, Harry starts to have a terrible nightmare.

A long snake begins to slither down a dark hallway. Harry can see it it's heading for a doorway, which looks strangely familiar…

HARRY: Hay look at that, it's Mr. Weasley!

ARTHUR: By Jove, a snake! How do you do?

NAGINI: Very well thank you. If you would be so kind to stand aside, I need to get through this door.

ARTHUR: I'm afraid I can't, my good lady, I've been instructed to keep this area secure.

NAGINI: Well, that is a problem. I'm afraid I must get though. Perhaps we can work out an arrangement.

ARTHUR: I'm listening.

NAGINI: Let me pass, and I will you… monies!

ARTHUR: It's tempting, but…

NAGINI: _Muggle_ monies!

ARTHUR: You don't say?

NAGINI: As much as you'd like.

ARTHUR: Very well then! Off you go.

NAGINI: You are very kind. I'll have my people send it to your people as soon as possible.

ARTHUR: Thank you very much! It's been a pleasure. Oh, by the way, what would you need to get in here for, anyway?

NAGINI: Oh, well, you see, my master is trying to murder this annoying fifteen year old git named Harry Potter—

ARTHUR: Hang on, Harry Potter is my friend! You shall not pass!

NAGINI: Oh. Then I'm going to have to kill you.

ARTHUR: Crap.

NAGINI: Attack!

KERRY: WTF?

Harry wakes up.

HARRY: ZOMG guys, check out this dream I had!

DUMBLEDORE: Sound the alarm!

HARRY: LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERMIONE: Now that's what I call quality acting!

Snape enters the room.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, just in time! Go take Harry down into the dungeons and do your thing.

HARRY: What?

SNAPE: C'mon Potter. (He grabs in viciously by the arm and drags him down the stairs.)

HARRY: What's going on?

SNAPE: Potter, are you experienced in Occulmency?

HARRY: (nervously) What's Occlumency?

SNAPE: You have to learn it, or else Voldemort will make a connection to you.

HARRY: W…what kind of connection?

SNAPE: You have beautiful eyes, you know that, Potter?

HARRY: What?

SNAPE: It's time for me to penetrate you. You will attempt to resist. Let me just get my wand out…

HARRY: Oh God…

SNAPE: Prepare yourself!

HARRY: (Winces.)

Memories start flashing through Harry's mind.

HARRY: Is that it?

SNAPE: Well, yeah. What else did you think was going to happen?

HARRY: Um, well…

SNAPE: A bit more Legilimency will tell me what you were thinking!

HARRY: NO! Um, no, really Professor, I have to go…bye.

**Next chapter coming soon! And reviews would be great too. Thanks! 3.**


	4. Chapter 4

JULES: So, let's see, we left off with the first lame Marauder-less Occulmency scene. That would take us to…

Christmas time!

MOLLY: Daddy's back, everybody!

GINNY: Daddy, I hope you like the crown I made you! (giggle) I made it with construction paper and Elmer's glue and lotsa glitter!

HARRY: I can't believe I break up with Cho to be with you.

Molly distributes presents. But haha, she doesn't know which present to give Fredngeorge.

FREDNGEROGE: Yes, we look alike. Alert the Daily Prophet.

RON: Wow, this sweater is SEX-AY! Whaddya think, Hermione?

HARRY: Hermione, don't you, like, have your own family?

HERMIONE: They're on vacation. Again. Without me. On Christmas.

Later.

Harry, Ron and Hermione walk down the stairs.

HARRY: I have the sudden urge to leave my two best friends without telling them, and go into this odd room.

Harry walks into the room, and notes Kreacher's presence for reference in later movies.

HARRY: Hey cool! I've never seen a house with a room that has no purpose at all other than being wall-papered with its inhabitants' pedigree.

SIRIUS: Oh, yeah, my mum just did that to cover up the pictures of all the naked women I had stuck to the walls.

HARRY: Um, ew?

SIRIUS: What? It was cool when I did that in the books!

HARRY: No… it was cool when _book_ Sirius did it… and you're _movie_ Sirius… so…

SIRIUS: In case you were wondering, I ran away to stay at your dad's house when I was 16. You so much like him, in case you haven't been told that by every single character in this series already.

HARRY: My dad was angry, bitter and saracastic?

SIRIUS: Look, it's a compliment… just go with it.

HERMIONE: Harry, time to go.

RON: And WTF, why did you just ditch us? You were right behind us, and then…

Time to go back to Hogwarts.

HARRY: Hey Cho, what up, girlfriend!

HERMIONE: Hagrid's back!

HARRY: Peace, Cho.

At Hagrid's Hut.

HARRY: Hagrid, where have you been?

HAGRID: Well, I'm not supposed ter tell you this, but—

RON: Daymn, Hagrid what happened to your face?

HAGRID: Well—

RON: It looks like it got mauled or something.

HAGRID: You see-

RON: And then got ran over by a motor boat. And then sliced open with a chainsaw. And then stung by a swarm of killer bees. And—

HARRY: Can you just tell us where you've been?

HAGRID: Truth is, Dumbledore sent me to palulay with the giants.

HERMIONE: What?

HAGRID: Palulay…parsnip, parsley, par - partner, partner…

JACK SPARROW: Parlay?

HAGRID: That's the one! Anyway, that's all I feel like telling you for now. And things are changing. Look, a storm. (waves hands) Symbolism, ooh…

Harry and Neville are randomly alone in the Room of Requirement.

NEVILLE: 14 years ago, Bellatrix Lestrange tortured my parents. But I don't want everyone to know just yet.

HARRY: Then why did you tell me?

NEVILLE: Crap!

HARRY: Hey Neville… how come your dad isn't being played by an actor over 50?

Cut to: Azkaban.

BELLATRIX: Yum, Dark Marks! (licks Dark Mark)

RODOLPHUS: Mine's cherry flavored, what's yours?

BELLATRIX: BLOOD-FLAVORED.

RODOLPHUS: And that's why I love ya, baby!

BELLATRIX: Shut up, you despicable ignoramus. When I get out of here, I'm leaving you for Lord Voldemort.

RODOPLPHUS: Aw, sweetie, can't we talk about this?

BELLATRIX: (sigh) Look Roddy, it's not you, it's me. I just need something _more_ out of a relationship!

RODOLPHUS: Hey, you were the one who said you didn't want kids!

BELLATRIX: I do want kids. I just want their father to be Lord Voldemort.

RODOLPUS: Boo, you whore.

Cut to: Patronus practice!

HARRY: Hey… is it just me, or does it sound like someone is trying to break in here by force?

RON: Quick! Let's use the back entrance we used at 1:13:18!

HARRY: No! Let's get closer!

UMBRIDGE: Surprise!

HARRY: Cho, you idiot! I can't believe you sold us out! We're through!

CHO: But Harry, they used Veritaserum on me. And technically it was Marietta Edgecombe, but I think someone stunned her and hid her body in a broom cupboard.

GINNY: (whistles innocently)

HARRY: I don't care, Cho! I need to break up with you somehow so I can go out with Ginny!

CHO: But Harry, you could get arrested!

GINNY: YAY! Hey Harry, you want to know what memory I used for my Patronus?

HARRY: No.

GINNY: (breathes heavily) It was that time… when you carried… my grimy body… out of the Chamber or Secrets… and you were covered in sweat…and dirt…and blood…it was SO romantic.

HARRY: (whimpers)

Dawlish, Umbridge, and Kingsley take on Dumbledore.

DAWLISH: Hi everyone, I'm Dawlish.

DUMBLEDORE: This is all my fault. I take full responsibility.

HARRY: So yeah, I'll just be going…

UMBRGIGE: Take him to Azkaban!

DUMBLEDORE: Haha, not today! Fawkes!

Fawkes swoops down in a ball of raging fire and lands on Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: OW! IT BURNS! (cough) Dammit… (cough) Stupid bird, You set me on fire… it burns… (cough) Anyway, I guess I'll just apparate out of here…

KINGSLEY: You may not like him Minister, but you have to admit, Dumbledore's got STAHLE.

JULES: God, this is ANNOYING! Where are the Marauders? Kerry, I'm just going to skip a few parts here… detention with Umbridge, giving Cho the cold shoulder, Harry feeling sorry for himself, Grawp….GOD that was pointless…

KERRY: (smacks Jules over the head with a frying pan) I'll be taking the remote, thank you! Okay, so where were we…

HERMIONE: Ahhh! Put me down!

HAGRID: GROPE- er, I mean, GRAWP! WE DO NOT GRAB!

HERMIONE: Put me down!

HARRY: Hermione, I think you've got an admirer.

RON: You just stay away from here! She's mine!

HARRY: Ron, you've got some competition.

GRAWP: (Picks up a bike bell and gives it to Hermione.)

HERMIONE: Aw, how sweet.

RON: Hermione- wha?

HERMIONE: You never give me _anything_, Ronald.

RON: I give you my homework to finish.

HERMIONE: Charming.

KERRY: Actually, this scene is pretty painful. We can skip the rest.

JULES: YAY!!! Because the next scene is… Occlumency!

SNAPE: Feeling sentimental, Potter?

HARRY: Professor, please no…

SNAPE: That's not what I meant, you idiot!

HARRY: Well, you really should speak more carefully.

SNAPE: Are you kidding me? We have a PG-13 rating! I could have sex with you right now and we'd be able to get away with it.

HARRY: Um… but you're not going to right?

SNAPE: Don't be ridiculous Potter I would never— well—maybe if— NO, absolutely n— , if you had a red wig— no.

HARRY: So, about that Occlumency…

SNAPE: You won't last two second against the Dark Lord if he invades your mind! You're just like your father, lazy, arrogant…

HARRY: HEY! Don't talk about my father that way!

JULES: Yeah! Don't talk about his father that way!

GASTON: Yeah! Don't talk about his father that way! (looks around) What? He seemed like a pretty cool guy…

KERRY: You can't use that reference, that's an inside joke between us!

JULES: Sorry, I'm a little irrational right now considering how close we are to Snape's Worst Memory.

KERRY: You. Freak.

SNAPE: Your father was a swine! _Legilimins_!

HARRY: _Protego_!

JULES: OMG, Kerry, here it comes!

KERRY: The scene you've been waiting for!

JULES: I'm so excited… (hyperventilates)

KERRY: Okay, calm down. (Pause. We wait.)

JULES: (blinks expectantly)

SNAPE: Enough. Get. Out.

JULES: What? What happened?

KERRY: You idiot, did you miss it?

JULES: They never showed it!

KERRY: That's because you blinked.

JULES: Are you kidding me? It was that short? We… we have to rewind it!

KERRY: NEVER! I'm not watching that again!

JULES: Give me the remote!

KERRY: No!

JULES: Hey look Kerry, there's Robert Pattinson! And he's not stoned!

KERRY: Where?

JULES: HAHA, got the remote! I can't believe you fell for that.

KERRY: I'm so gullible. Like Robert Pattinson would ever _not_ be stoned.

JULES: Now, let's watch this again in slow motion…

Rewind!

(Young Snape walks along the corridor with toilet paper on his foot)

JULES: What, did the abusive father card not evoke enough sympathy from the books?

KERRY: Oh look, Shrek's swamp.

JULES: Here come the Marauders!

JAMES: C'mon, Moony, Padfoot!

JULES: Um, do you see Moony anywhere?

KERRY: No. But I think that was Wormtail's fingernail I just spotted…

JAMES: Expelliarmus!

SIRIUS: Nice one, James! Look, even the young version of me is miscast in the movie!

JAMES: So who wants to see me take off Snivelly's trousers?

CROWD: Ew… no, please… (collective vomit)

SNAPE: Enough. Get. Out.

JULES: (rocks back and forth in a corner) This is wrong… so wrong…

KERRY: And where was Lily?

JULES: I know, what is that? You know what? We probably missed something. Let's watch it again.

Rewind!

JAMES: C'mon Moony, Padfoot.

JULES: _Okay__, try to picture them as they __are__ in the books…_

JAMES: All right Snivelly?

SNAPE: STFU, Potter.

JAMES: Tsk, tsk, Wash out your mouth!

SNAPE: Non-verbal Sectumsempra, fool!

JAMES: _Levicorpus_!

SIRIUS: Nice one, Prongs!

JAMES: (wipes blood off face) And good thing Lily isn't here to get angry with me…

LILY: (whips off Invisibility cloak) James. I'm here.

JAMES: Lily, darling, how did you get my cloak?

LILY: Never mind that, I need to speak with you.

JAMES: As you wish.

LILY: (She runs over to him) Oh James, I cannot hide my true feelings for you any longer.

JAMES: They were never hidden completely, my love.

LILY: Not a day goes by where I don't think about you… I need to be with you.

JAMES: And I with you.

LILY: But James dear, you and Sirius must stop picking on Severus. No matter how Dark spells he invents and attempts to use on you with non lethal force.

JAMES: Anything you ask is done, my darling.

JAMES: Oh, Lily, run away with me, off into the mountains, where we can spend eternity together…

LILY: Oh James, it could never work.

JAMES: Don't say that, my darling, for every coarse word is a dagger in me.

LILY: Just hold me, my handsome stag, and never let go…

JAMES: As you wish, my gentle doe.

LILY: Oh James, you rhymed that _on purpose_! Kiss me!

They lean in closer for a kiss. In the background, Severus is quietly sobbing and Sirius and Remus are holding each other, watching them with anticipation. Their lips are about to touch…

KERRY: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

JULES: I'm making in _better_.

KERRY: This doesn't even happen in the book!

JULES: It did. I can read between the lines too.

KERRY: Give me the remote!

JULES: No! Let me just get to the part where they kiss—

KERRY: No, We're continuing _now_.

JULES: They just massacred the best scene in the entire book. It has nowhere to go but down from here. I mean, they're probably going to cut out the scene where Kreacher betrays Sirius out something.

KERRY: Don't be ridiculous, that's a critical scene.

JULES: Yeah, what was I thinking? They wouldn't cut that out. But still, I'm a bit emotionally unstable right now. We need a break.


	5. Chapter 5

**Final chapter! Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. But I ****hop**** you enjoy the last completely mental chapter. **

JULES: All right then, time to continue the movie.

KERRY: I like Potter Puppet Pals!

OWLS are in session!

HERMIONE: _How_ are we supposed to concentrate on our _OWLS_ with that stupid clock _pendulum_ thing _ticking_ in the _front_ of the _room_?

HARRY: Hang on, it's not the clock!

RON: Guys, I've found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb! (Holds up pipe bomb)

HARRY: See, Umbridge! Voldemort is trying to kill us! Toldjya, toldjya.

UMBRIDGE: Give that to me, you imbecile!

They continue working.

FREDNGEORGE: (fly in on brooms) Woohoo, fireworks for everyone!

RON: You idiots!

HARRY: Yeah, you idiots! Now we're going to have to take this whole test over aga—ooh, a green one!

RON: Pretty!

Fireworks starts exploding everywhere. They conveniently only go after the Slytherins and Umbridge. Irish music starts to play. Harry and Ron start step dancing.

FREDNGEROGE: Yeah, everyone run outside!

Crowd follows. The entire comes to see Fredngeorge off. Even the Slytherins are cheering, even though the fireworks went after them.

HARRY: ZOMG I'm having a nightmare that Voldemort is going to kill Sirius! We have to save him!

HERMIONE: Harry, listen. What is Voldemort meant for you to see this? Wasn't this basically the whole point of your Occulmency lessons?

HARRY: Hermione, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you're not very smart. So I'm going to completely ignore your judgement, and go into the Department of Mysteries.

RON: What do we do?

HARRY: Let's use the fireplace in Umbridge's office!

They go into Umbdrige's office.

UMBRIDGE: Surprise!

RON: Ooh, yeah, my bad, forgot to lock the door.

UMBRIDGE: I've got you now, Potter! I just might take away your Qudditch privileges!

HARRY: Quidditch? What is the meaning of this strange, unfamiliar term you use?

MALFOY: (drags in Neville) Caught this one trying to help the Weasley girl… hey, another line! So if I had one line before, and I have one line now, that means I have… let's see… uh…

SNAPE: You wished to see me?

UMBRIDGE: GET ME SOME VERTISERUM, FOOL!

SNAPE: I believe you used the rest of my stores on Miss Chang.

HARRY: Oops. (looks guiltily toward Ron and Hermione)

RON: (looks at Hermione guilty)

HERMIONE: (stares into space)

RON: (whispers) Hermione, we're supposed to be looking at each other guiltily! Stop staring at Snape, it'll just fuel the rumors!

HARRY: Uh, hey Snape! They've got Padfoot! At the place where it's hidden!

SNAPE: Potter, you idiot. This is what you're Occulmency lessons were for. Voldemort using Sirius to lure you to the Department of Mysteries so you can retrieve a prophecy that will enable him to kill you--

UMBRIDGE: WHAT!

SNAPE: Oh dear, have I said too much? Well, in that case (points wand at Umbridge) _Obliviate_!

HARRY: (smiling) All right! Up top, Snape!

SNAPE: (sneers at Harry's hand)

HARRY: (still smiling) C'mon, don't leave me hanging!

SNAPE: I've left some hair growing potion and some red dye in your room. Apply them both, and then we shall talk. (leaves the room)

DRACO: Two lines!

HARRY: Well, okay, good thing Snape showed up and everything. Uh, I guess the story's done now. Poker, anyone?

JK ROWLING: No, no, no! No! Absolutely not!

JULES: Oh, c'mon, it makes so much sense… and then Sirius can live…

JK ROWLING: Killing off my most awesome characters is what I do best. Or most. Either way, it can't happen like this.

JULES: Fine…

RON: Harry, I reckon Snape was lying! He probably just wants to see Sirius snuff it!

HARRY: Say, I reckon you're right, Ron! Let's go kick some Death Eater arse!

LUNA: To the threstrals!

HARRY: To the Department of Mysteries! Okay, 93…94… Sirius should be here!

HERMIONE: Toldjya, toldjya.

HARRY: Okay, you were right. FOR ONCE.

HERMIONE: Of course I was.

HARRY: But hang on, if Voldemort really did put that image in my head, than that means…

EVERYONE: Uh-oh….

LUCIUS: Surprise!

HARRY: Crap.

LUCIUS: (waves his wand and his mask melts away) Envy my coolness!

HARRY: I know you're plotting to kill me and everything, but I must say, that was SAH-WEET! You got skills, bro!

LUCUIS: Why, thank you, Potter.

HARRY: So um, why is Draco… like…. Draco?

LUCUIS: (shakes his head) I've been trying to figure it out... must've been from his mother's side… anyway, hand me the prophecy. I'll show you _everything_.

HARRY: (drools) Okay, here you go.

HERMIONE: No Harry, you musn't!

HARRY: Oh, sorry. I was hypnotized by the sound of his voice. But your shrill horrible acting has brought me back down to earth. So um, yeah. Do anything, and I'll break it!

Bellatrix and the other Death Eaters start to appear.

HARRY: Oh shiit…take mushrooms. Um, everybody break stuff and run away!

They all break stuff and run away. Lucius vanishes and then rematerializes right in front of them.

HARRY: You never cease to amaze me, Lucius.

LUCIUS: I know. So um, can I have the prophecy know?

HARRY: (holds out the prophecy toward Lucius)

HERMIONE: Harry! I want to be an _actress_, not a _celebrity_.

HARRY: NEVER!

More fighting.

NEVILLE: _Petificus__Totalus_

LUNA: _Levicorpus__… _The nargles told me that one, guys!

HARRY: _Stupefy!_

GINNY: _Reducto_

RON: _Pika__ thunder!_

HARRY: Hey guys, where are we?

RON: Check out that black curtain… I mean, um, smoke?

DAVID YATES: It adds a more dramatic effect, wouldn't you say?

HARRY: What are the voices saying?

HERMIONE: There aren't any voices Harry. It's just an empty archway, you stupid.

HARRY: Just like there wasn't a giant snake running through the pipes at Hogwarts, right? And just like my dad was a _seeker_, right? And just like there wasn't anything pulling the carriage in the beginning of the movie, right? What don't you just shut up, Hermione?

LUNA: I hear them too!

HERMIONE: (looks pissed)

HARRY: Woohoo, I'm going to run through it!

HERMIONE: No, Harry! You musn't!

HARRY: But I thought it was just an empty archway.

HERMIONE: Well, um, OMG flying Death Eaters!

FLYING DEATH EATERS: Surprise!

LUCIUS: Did you actually believe, no, where you actually naïve enough to think that children stood a chance against us?

HARRY: That what all evil villains say right before they're defeated by inexperienced youth!

LUCUIS: Oh no, you're right! Damn these stupid children's movies and their… _morals_! Just give me the prophecy, or—

HARRY: Here.

LUCUIS: Oh! Well, thanks. I was going to threaten to kill your friends, but…

HARRY: Sorry, the voice is just irresistible.

LUCIUS: Yay, I have the prophecy! Nyah nyah! Now I'm going to kill you anyway!

HARRY: Why didn't I see that coming?

Order of the Phoenix to the rescue!

SIRIUS: Step away from my godson. FALCO PUNCH!

LUCUIS: Ow! Aw man, the prophecy broke!

BELLATRIX: Ooh, Voldie's gonna be pissed at you…

LUCUIS: Are you kidding? I'm telling him you broke it.

BELLATRIX: You bastard! Well, I'll just tell him you're lying.

LUCUIS: Why don't we tell him Rodolphus broke it?

BELLATRIX: Great idea! And then maybe he'll kill him, and we then he will ask me to marry him, and we'll have kids together….

LUCIUS: I was just trying to stay out of trouble, but if that works for you…

RODOLPHUS: Did someone say my name?

SIRIUS: _Stupefy!_

BELLATRIX: All right Sirius, nice one!

Bellatrix and Sirius slap hands, and then Bella goes and hides behind a rock.

LUCUIS: Bellatrix, I can't fight him alone, dammit! Oh…

HARRY: _Expelliarmus_

SIRIUS: Nice one, James!

JULES: (gasp) James!

Sirius pwns Lucius with his skillage, and he like, disappears or something.

BELLATRIX (jumps out from behind a rock) Surprise! _Avada__Kedavra_

SIRIUS: Oh c'mon, what a _cheap__ shot…_ so I guess I'm dead. I go float into this smoke now.

BELLATRIX: Hey… where did that body go? I needed that for a pie I was baking…

HARRY: Not my godfather, you bitch! Hey, why aren't any words coming out of my mouth?

DAVID YATES: _It's __eff__ing__ dramatic__ effect_

LUPIN: (holds Harry back)

HARRY: Oh, Lupin, what's up? You haven't done too much lately…

LUPIN: Read the books. That was supposed to be my battle with Lucius.

HARRY: So, um, why is Bellatrix skipping away instead of trying to kill all of us?

LUPIN: I don't know. Why don't you go run after her and give her the opportunity?

HARRY: Okay! Crucio! Aw, man, she got away.

VOLDEMORT: Surprise! Where's my prophecy?

HARRY: Lucius destroyed it. He's going to tell you it was Rodolphus, but he just wants to stay out of trouble.

VOLDEMORT: No one likes a snitch, Harry. Um, I guess I should kill you now…

DUMBLEDORE: Surprise!

VOLDEMORT: HEY! That line is reserved for EVIL people!

DUMBLEDORE: Terribly sorry, Tom. Will you let me try again?

VOLDEMORT: Off you go.

Dumbledore goes back into the fireplace, then reappears.

DUMBLEDORE: Boom, baby!

VOLDEMORT: Much better. Now DIE!

They fight.

VOLDEMORT: I can breathe fire, bitch!

DUMBLEDORE: Water is more powerful than fire!

HARRY: (waves hands) Ooh, symbolism…

VOLDEMORT: I send shards of glass at you!

HARRY: Dude, you stole that from Spiderman! Sony Pictures is gonna sue you!

VOLDEMORT: You're right! I better get out of here… later!

HARRY: (falls down on the ground) You've lost, old man!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, you just ran away from me, so I don't see how I've lost, but whatever gets you to sleep at night. Oh and Harry, it's not how you are alike, it's how you are different.

HARRY: You're the weak one! And you'll never know love or friendship!

BELLATRIX: (sniffles) Love? Crap!

VOLDEMORT: Haha, I'm back!

HARRY: Stay out of my mind! That kiss was PRIVATE!

All the sudden, everyone shows up in the fireplaces at the exact same time.

FUDGE: Surprise!

VOLDEMORT: (mutters) Idiot.

HARRY: Hey, I think I see a lawyer from Sony Pictures!

VOLDEMORT: Oh noes! (disappears)

FUDGE: Hey everybody! OMG, was that _Voldemort_?

HARRY: (mutters) Idiot.

Yay, happy newspaper headline montage. And then the mandatory Q and A with Dumbledore that's in the end of every book. And yay, the paintings are back!

HARRY: Hay, if anyone wants to get around to painting that portrait of my mum and dad anytime soon…

MAGICAL PORTRAIT PAINTERS: Lalala, We're not listening!

HARRY: But I have _loads_ of gold!

MAGICAL PORTRAIT PAINTERS: Oooh, we're listening!

JK ROWLING: Lalala, I'm not!

Time to go home!

HARRY: Guys I've been thinking about what Dumbledore said. We have something Voldemort doesn't have. Something worth fighting for.

THE END.

JULES: Um, isn't Voldemort fighting for world domination?

KERRY: Yeah, I thought Harry was going to say like, friendship or something.

JULES: That was SOOOO stupid.

KERRY: Yeah.

JULES: So different from the book.

KERRY: And they cut so much out!

JULES: It was terrible.

KERRY: Yeah.

JULES: Yeah.

Pause.

JULES: So… want to watch it again?


End file.
